Staff Notice
With immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent
method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for
all." On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 20 toilet trip
credits which may be accumulated.
The doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices."
Staff must immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one normal and one under
stress. Once the employee's" toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet
will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first of the month.
"In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll extractors."
If the toilet is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound." Thirty
seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will
flush and the door will open automatically." If the toilet remains occupied, your
photograph will be taken by a security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders
Board." Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months' toilet" trip
credits. Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo counseling by a
clinical psychologist.
Be advised that workmen's compensation insurance does not cover any injuries incurred
while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting into the dispenser.
MANAGEMENT
(With, Immediate, Effect, Toilet, Policy, Will, Provide, More, Staff, Time, Equal, First, Every, Month, Which, Equipped, With, Voice, Staff, Must, Normal, Once, Employee, Trip, Bank, Zero, Until, Addition, Paper, Roll, Than, Three, Alarm, Sound, Later, Retract, Into, Door, Open, Taken)
The Engineer's Love Life
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said, “I enjoyed time with my wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said, “I enjoyed time with my mistress, because of the passion and mystery I found there.”
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" they questioned.
The Engineer said, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
(Architect, Engineer, Were, Whether, Spend, Time, With, Wife, Mistress, Said, Solid, Foundation, Because, Passion, Mystery, Found, There, Like, Both, Both, They, Engineer, Yeah, Have, Will, Each, Assume, Other, Woman, Some, Work, Done)
Business one-liners 42
The obscure we see eventually; the completely apparent takes a little longer.
The one item you want is never the one on sale.
The one thing that money can not buy is poverty.
The one who does the least work will get the most credit.
The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
The one you want is never the one on sale.
The only important information in a hierarchy is who knows what.
The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have.
The only real errors are human errors.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory.
(Obscure, Apparent, Little, Item, Want, Never, Sale, Thing, That, Money, Poverty, Least, Work, Will, Most, Credit, Done, Should, Interrupt, Only, Important, Information, Hierarchy, What, Knowledge, Hurt, Have, Real, Human, Reason, Some, People, Lost, Thought, Because, Territory)
Mountain Bike
A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.
"How'd you get that, son?"
"By hiking."
"Hiking?"
"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."
(Came, Back, From, Long, Business, Trip, Find, That, Mountain, Bike, Yeah, Every, Night, Boss, Over, Gave, Take, Hike)
People Who Should've Won This Years Nobel Prize
1. Britney Spears & Eminem
Who, combined, have written more books than they"ve read.
2. Dr. Phil Mcgraw
Who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.
3. America"s Oil Companies
For a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don"t mix.
4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon
For those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other.
5. Bill Gates
For creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.
6. The Editors of Maxim
For managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models.
7. Jared
Of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.
8. Jennifer Lopez
Who, in conjunction with DuPont, developed a synthetic fabric capable of containing her ass.
9. That 300 Pound Guy
Who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights.
10. Glaxo
Who has managed to make "loose stools" a side effect of every one of the drugs it produces.
(Have, Written, More, Than, They, Read, Phil, Mcgraw, Convince, Millions, Women, Self, Help, Despite, Fact, That, Most, Profile, Patient, Woman, With, Serious, America, Lifetime, Body, Work, Water, Those, Consecutive, Last, March, When, Each, Other, Bill, Creating, Their, Children, Need)
Business one-liners 94
Those most opposed to serving on committees are made chairmen.
Those who live closest arrive latest.
Those with the best advice offer no advice.
To achieve the impossible, one must think the absurd; to look where everyone else has looked, but to see what no one else has seen.
To attract maximum attention, it's hard to beat a good, big, dumb mistake.
To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
To err is human. To admit it is a blunder.
To err is human. To blame it on someone else is even more human.
To err is human. To blame it on someone else is politics.
To err is human. To forgive is simply not company policy.
(Those, Most, Made, Chairmen, Live, Arrive, Latest, With, Best, Advice, Offer, Achieve, Impossible, Must, Think, Absurd, Look, Where, Everyone, Else, What, Seen, Attract, Maximum, Attention, Hard, Beat, Good, Dumb, Avoid, Nothing, Human, Admit, Blunder, Blame, Someone, Even, More)
Business one-liners 54
Bureau Termination, Law of: When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, the number of employees in that bureau will double within 12 months after the decision is made.
Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
Calkin's Law of Menu Language: The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the dish.
Canada Bill Jones's Motto: It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
Carlson's Consolation: Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example.
Carson's Observation on Footwear: If the shoe fits, buy the other one, too.
Chism's Law of Completion: The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
(Bureau, When, Bureau, That, Will, Double, Within, Decision, Made, Brooke, Whenever, System, Some, Fool, Something, Which, Either, Beyond, Menu, Language, Added, Description, Menu, Item, Inverse, Proportion, Quality, Dish, Canada, Bill, Jones, Motto, Wrong, Allow, Keep, Their, Money)
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