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   Bill Gates picks his own punishment
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."
(Satan, Welcome, Gates, Been, This, Will, Your, Home, Eternity, Selfish, Greedy, Liar, Life, Since, Good, Mood, Generous, Give, Choice, Three, Which, Forever, Bill, Huge, Lake, Fire, Millions, Poor, Then, Massive, Coliseum, Where, People, About, Tiny, Room, There, Bottle, Wine, Sitting)


   Microsoft renames itself
Newsflash

Microsoft today announced that it will be changing its name to "Moft" - which will clear up space on user's hard disks. It is estimated that a typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2,800,000 copies of the word "Microsoft", in copyright notices, end-user licence agreements, 'About' screens, etc. So, after the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space. Stock prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the announcement.

"Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk," said Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. "But we have never cared about that. The change will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving about $50 million a year in media costs. We are also looking at shortening the names of some of our software products; for instance 'The Microsoft Exchange' may be changed to 'The Moft Pit'.

Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential savings has been rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft Off for Moft Win 95'.
(Today, That, Will, Name, Which, Clear, Space, Hard, Installation, About, Word, Copyright, About, Change, Have, More, Disk, Stock, Well, Take, Less, Said, Bill, Gates, Never, Allow, Ship, Instead, Thus, Million, Year, Media, Also, Some, Software, Instance, Exchange, Added, Junior)


   A list of redneck computer terms
Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.

Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.

Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.

Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.

Cache - Needed when you go to da store.

Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.

Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.

Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.

Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette - A female Disco dancer.

Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.

Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.

Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.

Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.

Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.

Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

Rom - Where the pope lives.

Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.

Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.
(Backup, What, When, Sight, Skunk, Woods, Code, Them, Fight, Down, Local, Tavern, Reason, Sick, Byte, Bull, Cache, Store, Chip, Uncle, Mother, Boyfriend, Name, Terminal, Time, Call, Crash, When, Junior, Party, Digital, Your, Female, Disco, Uncle, Leroy, Thirty, Hardcopy, Picture, Where)


   The Windows Rejection Song
Why are there so many, users of Windows?
Don't people have any pride?
Windows is useless, and designed by morons,
and Windows had got DOS inside.
But some don't care and continue to use it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll see it, the Windows rejection,
the users, and Bill Gates, and me.

Who said that every bug, would be found but left there?
It seems so strange and bizarre.
Microsoft thought of that, and millions accept it,
look what it's done, so far.

What's so amazing are all the delays in
the replacement for Windows 3.
Someday we'll see it, the Windows rejection,
the users, and Bill Gates, and me.

All of us under its spell,
we know that it's utterly tragic...

Have you been not saving, and then torn your hair out,
because of a G.P. fault?
Is this the error, that occurs most often,
and causes your system to halt?

I've seen it too many times to ignore it,
I think it is just s'posed to be.
Someday we'll see it, the Windows rejection,
the users, and Bill Gates, and me.

la, da da, lee, da la loo,
a, la, la la, la lee la roo!
(There, Many, People, Have, Pride, Inside, Some, Care, Continue, Know, They, Wrong, Wait, Someday, Bill, Gates, Said, That, Every, Would, Found, Left, Strange, Bizarre, Thought, Millions, Accept, Look, What, Done, What, Under, Spell, Tragic, Have, Been, Then, Torn, Your, Hair, Because)


   LETTER TO A CHRONIC COMPUTER USER
My Dear Husband,   

I am sending you this letter via this E-mail thing, so that you will
be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you
should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered
our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Jimmy is seven
now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest
in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the
figures were good and the back of your head is very realistic. You
should be very proud of him.

Little Suzy turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at
that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still
remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday.
What a grand day for Suzy, despite the fact that it was stormy and the
electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago and discovered that it
really is more fun!  Fred, I mean, Mr. Johnson the department head,
has, uh, taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend
to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I
realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting
made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room
painted last spring. I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the
painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle Fred, uh, Mr. Johnson, I mean,
is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have
hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll
keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to
your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will
have a lovely time while we are gone. Jimmy, Suzy and I will think of
you often. Try to remember us while your little disks are booting.   

Love,   

Your Wife   
(Dear, Husband, This, Mail, Thing, That, Sure, Read, Please, Forgive, Deception, Thought, Know, What, Been, Home, Since, Your, Children, Well, Jimmy, Bright, Handsome, Quite, Drew, Family, Portrait, School, Project, Were, Good, Back, Head, Very, Proud, Little, Three, September, Like)


   Newest MS computer game
Solitaire '99

Here is the README.TXT file from Microsoft's latest software product.

Microsoft Solitaire '98

README file, v4.3

Welcome!

Congratulations!

Welcome to the wonderful world of Microsoft Solitaire '98! This classic game has been a Windows fixture for many years, and after a long period of development, we are pleased to announce that it has been updated to take advantage of many exciting, Microsoft- pioneered technologies, such as "long filenames!"

For years, our users have made demands, and Microsoft has listened. You told us that you wanted an operating system in which Solitaire was a seamless, integrated component. You wanted to blend in Solitaire with how you worked, how you played, and in general, you wanted Solitaire to *define your computing experience.*

Solitaire '98 brings this dream to a blissful reality.

System Requirements:

- 266 MHz Pentium II or better

- 800 megabytes of free hard drive space (2.1 gigabytes recommended)

- 128 megabytes of RAM (256 megabytes for Vegas scoring)

Installation Procedure:

1. Insert the CD-ROM entitled "Microsoft Solitaire" into your CD-ROM drive. You will need to make sure that the drive door is open before you place the disc in the tray.

2. An installation dialog box should appear on your screen. If it does not, you may need to purchase more memory or a larger hard disk drive. See your local Microsoft-certified dealer.

3. Follow the onscreen instructions. If you cannot read, have somebody else sit through the installation procedure.

4. Insert the CD-ROM entitled "Microsoft Solitaire, Disc 2" into your CD-ROM drive. As before, ensure that the drive is open before inserting the disc in the tray.

5. An installation dialog box should appear on your screen. If it does not, you may need to upgrade to a Microsoft "Natural" keyboard, which you can obtain from your nearest dealer. As before, follow the onscreen instructions.

6. After the installation program has completed, check your "Programs" menu for a new Solitaire '98 entry. If the program entry was not successfully created, you may need to uninstall all local copies of Netscape Navigator and/or Communicator and restart the Solitaire installation process from scratch.

Playing The Game:

Assuming that Solitaire '98 has been properly installed, you should be able to find it in your "Programs" menu (you should have verified this as part of the installation process.) Microsoft recommends that you shut down all other programs that may be running on the system before starting Solitaire '98.

To start the game, simply select it from the "Programs" menu. If the game does not start within five to seven minutes of selection, you may need to upgrade to the latest version of Microsoft Office to ensure that your system has the proper DLLs that Solitaire needs.

For game rules, refer to the .HLP files for the Windows 3.1 version of Solitaire. If you don't have these files, you can purchase them online from Microsoft at very competitive rates.

Coming Soon:

Minesweeper '99!

Watch this space.

[ snip millions of blank lines inserted to balloon README file up to Microsoft mandatory one-megabyte minimum file size. ]
(Solitaire, File, From, Latest, Software, Product, Welcome, Wonderful, World, This, Classic, Game, Been, Fixture, Many, Long, Period, Announce, That, Take, Advantage, Such, Have, Made, Told, System, Which, Component, Blend, With, General, Define, Your, Experience, This, Dream)


   Emacs acronyms
EMACS: Escape-Meta-Alt-Control-Shift
EMACS: Eight Megabytes And Constantly Swapping
EMACS: Even a Master of Arts Comes Simpler
EMACS: Emacs Manuals Are Cryptic and Surreal
EMACS: Energetic Merchants Always Cultivate Sales
EMACS: Each Manual's Audience is Completely Stupified
EMACS: Emacs Means A Crappy Screen
EMACS: Eventually Munches All Computer Storage
EMACS: Even My Aunt Crashes the System
EMACS: Eradication of Memory Accomplished with Complete Simplicity
EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe Alternative Civilizations Survive
EMACS: Egregious Managers Actively Court Stallman
EMACS: Esoteric Malleability Always Considered Silly
EMACS: Emacs Manuals Always Cause Senility
EMACS: Easily Maintained with the Assistance of Chemical Solutions
EMACS: Edwardian Manifestation of All Colonial Sins
EMACS: Extended Macros Are Considered Superfluous
EMACS: Every Mode Accelerates Creation of Software
EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe All Commands are Simple
EMACS: Emacs May Allow Customised Screwups
EMACS: Excellent Manuals Are Clearly Suppressed
EMACS: Emetic Macros Assault Core and Segmentation
EMACS: Embarrassed Manual-Writer Accused of Communist Subversion
EMACS: Extensibility and Modifiability Aggravate Confirmed Simpletons
EMACS: Emacs May Annihilate Command Structures
EMACS: Easily Mangles, Aborts, Crashes and Stupifies
EMACS: Extraneous Macros And Commands Stink
EMACS: Exceptionally Mediocre Algorithm for Computer Scientists
EMACS: EMACS Makes no Allowances Considering its Stiff price
EMACS: Equine Mammals Are Considerably Smaller
EMACS: Embarrassingly Mundane Advertising Cuts Sales
EMACS: Every Moron Assumes CCA is Superior
EMACS: Exceptionally Mediocre Autocratic Control System
EMACS: EMACS May Alienate Clients and Supporters
EMACS: Excavating Mayan Architecture Comes Simpler
EMACS: Erasing Minds Allows Complete Submission
EMACS: Emacs Makers Are Crazy Sickos
EMACS: Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Mo- Macros Are Completely Slow
EMACS: Experience the Mildest Ad Campaign ever Seen
EMACS: Emacs Makefiles Annihilate C- Shells
EMACS: Eradication of Memory Accomplished with Complete Simplicity
EMACS: Emetic Macros Assault Core and Segmentation
EMACS: Epileptic MLisp Aggravates Compiler Seizures
EMACS: Evenings, Mornings, And a Couple of Saturdays
EMACS: Emacs Makes All Computing Simple
EMACS: Emacs Masquerades As Comfortable Shell
EMACS: Emacs: My Alternative Computer Story
EMACS: Emacs Made Almost Completely Screwed
EMACS: Each Mail A Continued Surprise
EMACS: Every Mode Acknowledges Customized Strokes
EMACS: Eating Memory And Cycle-Sucking
EMACS: Everyday Material Almost Compiled Successfully
EMACS: Elvis Masterminds All Computer Software
EMACS: Emacs Makes A Computer Slow
(Emacs, Escape, Control, Eight, Even, Emacs, Cryptic, Energetic, Always, Cultivate, Each, Manual, Audience, Aunt, Memory, With, Complete, Elsewhere, Maybe, Egregious, Court, Esoteric, Cause, Edwardian, Manifestation, Colonial, Every, Mode, Allow, Excellent, Emetic, Assault, Core)



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