Love For 365 Days
TO MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of wyh I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean.
17 times it was too late.
49 times you were too tired.
20 times it was too hot.
15 times you pretended to be asleep.
22 times you had a headache.
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby.
16 times you said you were too sore.
12 times it was the wrong time of month.
19 times you had to get up early.
9 times you said you weren't in the mood.
7 times you were sunburned.
6 times you were watching the late show.
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo.
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us.
9 times you said your mother would hear us.
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there.
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling.
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with.
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I was finished.
1 time I was afriad I had hurt you because I felt you move.
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you come home drunk and tried to screw the cat.
36 times you didn't come home at all.
21 times you didn't cum.
33 times you came too soon.
19 times you went soft before you got in.
38 times you worked too late.
10 times you got cramps in your toes.
29 times you had to get up early to play golf.
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls.
4 times you git it stuck in your zipper.
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running.
2 times you had a splinter in your finger.
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day.
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book.
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV.
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
(Dear, Wife, During, Past, Year, Have, Tried, Make, Love, Which, Average, Once, Every, List, Succeed, More, Often, Were, Clean, Late, Asleep, Headache, Afraid, Baby, Said, Sore, Wrong, Time, Month, Mood, Show, Want, Mess, Your, Hairdo, Would, Hear, Mother, Satisfactory, Because, Just, Laid)
How Old Are You
One Friday night, a policeman saw a car parked up at "makeout point." Shining his flashlight in the window, he saw a young
man fidgeting in the front seat glancing at his watch and a young woman sitting in the back seat and reading a magazine.
"Excuse me, son" said the cop, "but how old are the two of you?"
"I'm eighteen, sir, and" (checking his watch another time) "in ten more minutes, she'll be eighteen too!"
(Friday, Night, Policeman, Point, Flashlight, Window, Front, Seat, Watch, Young, Woman, Sitting, Back, Magazine, Excuse, Said, Eighteen, Another, Time, More)
A Helping Hand
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob is standing there taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.
Being a kind soul, Bob says, Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, Can you unzip my zipper?
Bob says, OK
Then the man says, Can you pull it out for me? Bob replies, UH, yeah, OK...
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs and reeks something awful.
Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and bob points it for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, Thanks, Man, I really appreciate it.
Bob says, No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?.
The guy pulls his arms out of shirt and says, I don't know, but I AIN'T TOUCHING IT...
(Goes, Into, Public, Restroom, This, Next, Urinal, There, Care, Business, Himself, Poor, Wretch, Take, Leak, Leave, When, Help, Being, Kind, Soul, Sure, Pull, Yeah, Mold, With, Hair, Something, Awful, Then, Point, Then, Back, Appreciate, Problem, What, Hell, Wrong, Your, Penis, Shirt, Know)
Golf Funeral
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
(Friend, Golf, Their, Local, Course, About, Chip, Onto, Green, When, Long, Funeral, Procession, Road, Next, Swing, Prayer, That, Most, Thoughtful, Thing, Have, Seen, Truly, Kind, Then, Yeah, Well, Were, Married)
Picky Cannibals
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
(Father, Were, Tribe, Something, They, Deep, Into, Jungle, Path, Before, Long, Along, Came, This, Little, Said, There, There, Enough, Meat, That, Even, Feed, Just, Wait, Well, While, Later, Plenty, Heart, Attack, From, About, Hour, Here, Gorgeous, Woman, Nothing, Wrong, With, Either)
Crazy First Night
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night
together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all
night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.
He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well,
that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
(Young, Couple, Were, Married, Their, First, What, Time, Again, Long, Groom, Goes, Into, Bathroom, Towel, When, From, Bride, Please, Bring, Bedroom, When, Door, Body, Where, Well, Went, Down, About, Midway, They, Shyly, What, That, Small, Part, Anatomy, Also, Being, Thought, Minute, Then)
Cleaning Money
Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".
His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."
She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars".
"Ah, yes." says the man. "He pee'd on my trousers too".
(Getting, Drunk, Them, Over, Himself, Wife, Will, Kill, Friend, Worry, Just, Tuck, Twenty, Dollar, Bill, Your, Breast, Pocket, Tell, That, Someone, Threw, Gave, They, Stay, Another, Couple, Even, Home, Give, Time, Reek, Alcohol, Thrown, Yourself, Very, Slur, Wait, What, Think, Only, Drink)
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