Resumania
'Resumania' is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting's
parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job
candidates' resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here are some
examples:
'I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness,
efficacy, and expertise.' (And an eye on the 'e' section of the dictionary,
evidently.)
'Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down
some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.'(No
problem ...)
'Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually
inseparable. '(Glad to hear it.)
'I am very detail-oriented. '(With the possible exception of spelling)
'I can play well with others.' (We'll be sure to tell your mommy.)
'Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.' (A new twist on work-family
balance.)
'Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.' (Have you considered
law school?)
'My salary requirement is $34 per year.' (They say money isn't everything.)
'Served as assistant sore manager.' (Ouch.)
'Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.' (So
you're willing to travel?)
'I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live.' (And they say
loyalty is hard to come by.)
'Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend
could steal my job.' (We're glad you're not bitter.)
(Term, Robert, Half, Parent, Company, Describe, That, Often, Appear, Cover, Here, Some, Perform, With, Efficacy, Expertise, Section, Dictionary, Insufficient, Thought, Have, Down, Best, Will, Look, Another, Problem, Seek, Test, Mind, Body, Since, Inseparable, Glad, Hear, Very, Detail)
Why I'm tired
Yes, I'm tired. For several years I've been blaming it on iron-poor blood,
lack of vitamins, air pollution, water pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting,
yellow wax build-up, and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if life is
really worth living.
But now I find out, tain't that. I'm tired because I'm
overworked.
The population of this country is 200 million. Eighty-four million are
retired. That leaves 116 million to do the work.
There are 75 million in school, which leaves 41 million to do the work. Of
this total, there are 22 million employed by the government.
That leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City
Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in
hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now there are 11,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the
work. You and me. And you're sitting there reading this. No wonder I'm tired.
(Several, Been, Iron, Poor, Blood, Lack, Pollution, Water, Yellow, Build, Dozen, Other, That, Make, Wonder, Life, Worth, Find, Because, This, Country, Million, Eighty, Four, That, Work, There, School, Which, Total, There, Employed, Four, Take, From, People, State, City, Just, Sitting)
Burnt of Work
Your garbage can is your "in" box.
You sleep more at work than at home.
Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."
You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.
You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.
Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you
just don't care.
Your friend calls to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off
my back, jerk!"
(Your, Garbage, Your, Sleep, More, Work, Than, Home, Week, Answer, Phone, Hell, Leave, Party, Take, Badge, Have, Much, Mind, Forgotten, Weekend, Help, Make, Through, Monday, Think, About, Would, Were, Jail, Right, Wake, Fire, Back, Because, Just, Care, Friend, Been, Scream, Jerk)
Signs Your Accountant is Nuts
·In several places on your tax forms, he's written, "Give or take a million
dollars."
·Tells you to put all your money into British cattle futures.
·You notice that his "calculator" is just a broken VCR remote.
·Insists that there's no such number as four.
·He laughed at the Bob Dole background check.
·Counts family of squirrels living in your yard as dependents.
·Advises you to save postage by filing your taxes telepathically.
·Instead of C.P.A. license, he's got a framed photo of a shirtless Alex
Trebek.
·Demands that you call him the "Una-Countant."
·He's got a 1040 Form tattooed on his arm.
(Several, Your, Written, Give, Take, Million, Money, Into, British, Cattle, Notice, That, Just, Broken, Remote, There, Such, Four, Dole, Background, Check, Family, Yard, Save, Postage, Photo, Alex, Call, Form)
A man in a hot air balloon
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I
am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately
30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and
between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I
am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.
You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a
promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to
solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met,
but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
(Balloon, Lost, Altitude, Woman, Below, More, Excuse, Help, Friend, Would, Meet, Hour, Know, Where, Feet, Above, Ground, Between, North, Latitude, West, Longitude, Must, Engineer, Said, Well, Everything, Told, Correct, Have, Idea, What, Make, Your, Information, Fact, Still, Been, Much)
Retired Engineer
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily
retired.
A few years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible
problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They
had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no
avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so
many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge
machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular
component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company
received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an
itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark: $1
Knowing where to put it: $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
(There, Engineer, Exceptional, Gift, Company, Over, Later, Impossible, Problem, They, Were, With, Their, Multi, Million, Dollar, They, Tried, Everything, Everyone, Else, Machine, Avail, Many, Past, Took, Challenge, Spent, Huge, Small, Chalk, Particular, Component, This, Where, Your)
Old local blacksmith
An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked
out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and
exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever
I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and
laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head,
hit it real good and hard." Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
(Blacksmith, Soon, Quit, Hard, Strong, Young, Become, Apprentice, Fellow, Told, Just, Whatever, Tell, Took, Iron, Forge, Laid, Anvil, Over, There, Said, When, Head, Real, Good, Town)
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