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   Warranty Card On Purchased Goverment Official [tm}
Dear Special Interest,

Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official[tm]. With
regular maintenance your Government Official[tm] should provide you with a
lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and
other fine services. Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it
if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This
information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid
us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence.

1. Which of our fine products did you buy?

President
 Vice-President
Senator
 Congressman
Governor
 Cabinet Secretary - Commerce
Cabinet Secretary - Other
 Other Elected Official (please specify)
Other Appointed Official (please specify)

2. How did you hear about your Government Official[tm]? Please check all that
apply.

TV ad.
Magazine/newspaper ad.
 Shared jail cell with.
Former law partner of.
 Unindicted co-conspirator with.
Arkansas crony of.
 Procured for.
Related to.
 Recommended by lobbyist.
Recommended by organized crime figure.
 Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet.)
Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (Elsewhere.)
 Spoke at fundraiser at my temple.
Solicited bribe from me.
 Attempted to seduce me.

3. How do you expect to use your Government Official[tm]? (Please check all
that apply.)

Obtain lucrative government contracts.
 Have my prejudices turned into law.
Obtain diplomatic concessions.
 Obtain trade concessions.
Have embargo lifted from own nation/ally.
 Have embargo imposed on enemy/rival nation/religious infidels.
Obtain patronage job for self/spouse/mistress.
 Forestall military action against self/allies.
Instigate military action against internal enemies/aggressors/targets for
future conquest.
 Impede criminal/civil investigation of self/associates/spouse.
Obtain pardon for self/associates/spouse.
 Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies/rivals/hated ethnic groups.
Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors/environmental
exploiters/capitalist pigs.

4. What factors influenced your purchase? (Please check all that apply.)

Performance of currently owned model.
Reputation.
 Price.
Appearance.
 Party affiliation.
Professed beliefs of Government Official[tm].
 Actual beliefs of Government Official[tm].
Orders from boss/superior officer/foreign government.
 Blackmail.
Celebrity endorsement.

5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned Government
Official[tm]?

If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing models.

Excessive operating / maintenance costs.
 Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.
Defect in current model:
 Dead.
Senile.
 Indicted.
Convicted.
 Resigned in disgrace.
Switched parties / beliefs.
 Outbribed by competing interest.

Thank you for your valuable time.

Always remember: in choosing a Government Official[tm] you have chosen the
best politician that money can buy!
(Dear, Special, Interest, Purchase, Your, Genuine, With, Regular, Maintenance, Should, Provide, With, Lifetime, Sweetheart, Information, Preferential, Other, Fine, Before, Begin, Product, Would, Appreciate, Take, Time, Fill, This, Service, Card, This, Will, Sold, Party, Future)


   The Lucky Frog
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the
second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing
of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron".
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron".
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away,
and grabs a 9 iron Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He
says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog
replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog".
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think
frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood". The guy takes out 3 woods and, Boom! Hole
in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the
day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog," OK
where to next?" The frog replies,"Ribbit Las Vegas".
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says,
"Ribbit Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do
you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6". Now, this is
a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures why not.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his
winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He puts the frog down and says,
"Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am
forever grateful".
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me". He figures why not, since after the entire
frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous
15-year old girl "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room so
help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton".
(Work, Second, Hole, When, Frog, Sitting, Next, Green, Nothing, About, Shoot, Iron, Around, Anyone, Again, Prove, Wrong, Club, Away, Iron, Boom, From, That, Must, Lucky, Lucky, Take, With, What, Think, Wood, Woods, Hole, Know, What, Best, Game, Golf, Life, Where, They, Roulette, Upon)


   Screw the women!
Reagan, Bush, and Clinton all went on a cruise together. While the ship was
out in the sea, it hit an iceberg and started to sink. Quickly, Reagan yelled
out, "Women and children first!"

Bush then cried, "Screw the women!"

To which, Clinton responded, "Do you think we have time?"
(Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Went, Cruise, Together, While, Ship, Iceberg, Sink, Women, Children, First, Then, Cried, Screw, Women, Which, Think, Have, Time)


   Mental Health in the Arab world! Bah! We're fine!
Dubya to vp cheney:you know, maybe we wouldn't have had to bomb iraq, if
stupid wasn't "so-damn insane!" saddam: i'm just an innocent tyrant, and i was
"am-"bush"ed! dubya's father: saddam didn't take my advice when i said i wanted
a "kinder, and gentler nation," so f*** him up son!" he's going to hell!" you
know it's obvious that the arab world doesn't believe in "psycho"therapy. osama
bin's needing it and so-damn's insane!
(Cheney, Know, Maybe, Have, Bomb, Iraq, Stupid, Damn, Insane, Just, Innocent, Tyrant, Bush, Father, Take, Advice, When, Said, Nation, Hell, Obvious, That, Arab, World, Believe, Psycho, Therapy)


   Bill Clinton
Three presidents and Bill Clinton are in Air Force One. The engines start to
die and the plane starts to go down. The pilot comes out and says there is only
one parachute I will stay and die for my country but the rest of you will have
to decide who's going to jump and who will live. So the first general jumps out
the back and yells, "I did it for my country"! The second general jumps out and
says, "I did it for my country"! Now the third general pushes Bill Clinton out
the window and says, "I did it for my country"!
(Three, Bill, Clinton, Force, Start, Plane, Down, Pilot, There, Only, Parachute, Will, Stay, Country, Rest, Have, Decide, Jump, Live, First, General, Back, Second, Third, Window)


   Clinton’s testimony by dry Seuss
I did not do it in a car I did not do it in a bar I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park I did not do it on a date I did not ever fornicate I
did not do it at a dance I did not do it in her pants I did not get beyond first
base I did not do it in her face I never did it in a bed If you think that,
you've been misled I did not do it with a groan I did not do it on the phone I
did not cause her dress to stain I never boinked Saddam Hussein I did not do it
with a whip I never fondled Linda Tripp I never acted really silly With
volunteers like Kathleen Willey There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher I
chased her "round, but could not catch her No kinky stuff, not on your life I
wouldn"t, even with my wife And Jennifer Flowers" tale of woes Was paid for by
my right-wing foes And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers Are just a bunch of
party poopers I did not ask my friends to lie I did not hang them out to dry I
did not do it last November But if I did, I don"t remember I did not do it in
the hall I could have, but I don"t recall I never did it in my study I never
did it with my dog, Buddy I never did it to Sox, the cat I might have -once with
Arafat I never did it in a hurry I never groped Ms. Betty Currie There was no
sex at Arlington There was no sex on Air Force One I might have copped a little
feel And then endeavored to conceal But never did these things so lewd At least,
not ever in the nude These things to which I have confessed They do not count,
if we stayed dressed It never happened with a cigar I never dated Mrs.Starr I
did not know this little sin Would be retold on CNN I broke some rules my Mama
taught me I tried to hide, but now you"ve caught me But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach I might have got a little tail But never, never
did inhale
(Dark, Park, Date, Dance, Beyond, First, Base, Face, Never, Think, That, Been, With, Groan, Phone, Cause, Dress, Stain, Whip, Linda, Silly, With, Like, Kathleen, There, Time, Margaret, Round, Could, Catch, Kinky, Stuff, Your, Life, Even, Wife, Jennifer, Tale, Paid, Right, Wing, Paula, Jones)


   Britain and France
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.
During one battle, the French captured an English Major. Taking the Major to
their headquarters, the French general began to question him.
The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats?
Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason
English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't
show and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown
pants.
(Long, Time, Britain, France, Were, During, Battle, French, English, Major, Their, Headquarters, General, Began, Question, Wear, Know, Material, Shoot, Bland, Major, That, Reason, They, Shot, Blood, Show, Panic, From, Army, Brown)



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